Our piece of heaven on earth......

When faced with a trial where you have an unknown amount of time with a loved one, your priorities are really straightened out. Family comes first, you also need The Lord for strength and understanding, and then you try to get sleep. That's it. That is what consumed our days while we were in the hospice. 

We were there.

 There for Harrison.

There for Sophie 

so she could experience as much of her brother as she could. 

Dec. 10th First day in the hospice

Showing Harrison his puppy, "Rolo"

She was just ecstatic to be able to get in his crib and hold him all by herself. It just melted my heart to see the two of them together. What a great big sister she was and still is to Harrison. She would sing to him, try to give him his pacifier, show Harrison his toys. She was loving it. This is exactly what I wanted. We were together as a family. We were able to relax and watch movies while Harrison slept in the other room. I could spend the night with him as much as I wanted. I was feeling more and more like his mother. But there were still things that I wished I could do. I wanted so badly to be able to feed him. I hated pumping. Hated it. I hated waking up in the middle of the night without my baby just to pump. But even thought I hated it, I loved that I was able to at least do something for Harrison. And boy did he love to eat! Whenever it was time for him to eat he would get so grouchy. Harrison was a very mild and meek little baby, partly because all of his energy was going toward breathing, but we really hardly ever heard him cry except at meal times. 

Dec. 12th

I loved hearing him cry. 

I hope I'm not the only mom out there who actually likes to see their babies cry. 

I think it is so precious. 

Maybe it was extra precious since Harrison didn't cry very often. :) 

Dec. 13th

Being a "big sister"

One of the biggest reasons we were able to be with Harrison so much was because of all of the help we received. I have never, EVER been in such a situation where I had to ask for and accept so much help. We received meals for about a month, we had babysitting for Sophie for about a month as well. We received countless cards, phone calls, checks, flowers, presents, you name it. The love and blessings were pouring in. I remember being in shock as person after person went above and beyond what they needed to do and really lifted our burdens. Still to this day I am swamped by thank you notes that I need to write. I'm afraid it will take even a few more months to finish them all. :) 

All I can say about all of this goodness is that God knows what we need. He is at our side every day if we allow him. He is letting others know of our needs and he is comforting us when we are struggling. HE KNOWS. 

HE SEES. 

HE LISTENS. 

HE IS THERE.  

Dec. 12th My eternal family

This trial that our family went through has opened my eyes to that concept. We are so close to our Father in Heaven. We are so close to Jesus Christ. We are so close to the Holy Ghost. We just have to allow them into our lives. They are waiting for us to open our ears to them and to allow them to help us. I feel like I am a good person. I have never been the best, but I feel like I have been a pretty good person. What I never knew was that I could be so much better. I have so much potential and the way I learned that was through Harrison. The Lord trusted me with him. He knew I could handle it. He knows the person that I am and from what I can tell, I must have been pretty strong. I never in a million years thought I would be able to say goodbye to one of my children but The Lord had these plans laid out for Logan and Sophie and I so he knew we could do it. That alone gives me hope and strength. I have so much work to do to become who the Lord knows I am and through the help of all of these wonderful angels who had been helping us, we were able to keep going and become stronger. 

So, thank you. 

Thank you to everyone who smiled, cried with us, visited us, gave us meals, watched Sophie, prayed, thought of us, sent us money, called us....the list goes on. 

Thank you.

Dec. 13th Harrison's festive crib :)

"stretch!"

Looking back to our time in the hospice I now realize that Harrison wasn't there to survive for himself, he was surviving for us. So we could kiss him, sing to him, change his diaper, take pictures and videos and do all of the things that we wanted to do with him before he left us. He was gracious and I am so thankful for that. He didn't need to come back to us, but he did. 

What a sweetheart. 

One thing we were able to do that I am so happy about is bless Harrison. Logan and Bishop Bahr blessed Harrison on December 12, 2013. He was blessed with eternal exaltation. He was blessed that someday he would receive the priesthood power, that someday he will serve a mission after this life and someday he will get married. He was also told that Heavenly Father was very proud of him. I can imagine that he is extremely proud and so are we. 

Dec. 12th

On December 15th I was able to do something else that made me so happy.  Harrison and I were able to "nuzzle". It's like breast feeding but with no milk. I had talked to a lactation consultant and told her that I really wanted to try it at least once and she gave me the green light. So I tried it twice and it worked, twice. All of the nurses in the hospice started to celebrate. :) They were literally jumping up and down because they were so happy. I loved it. So, thank you Harrison. Thank you for letting me do that for my own selfish reasons. :)

Dec. 14th

The time we had with Harrison was so special. It was so brief and short and not how we ever thought our time with him would be but we loved it. We knew he was going to leave us soon. We didn't know when but we always felt it would be sooner rather than later. On December 16th I wrote down a sweet and tender moment between Sophie and I that I would like to share.

12-16-13

                           Today I asked Sophie if she knew where baby Harrison was going. She answered       "With Heavenly Father". It broke my heart and made me happy at the same time and I started to cry. She looked at me and then said, "I know. I know." Then she hopped off my lap, ran off, and came back with a tissue. "It's okay. It's okay. She said and she gave me a hug. I was amazed.

Dec. 11th

That's where he was going. It's where he needed to be. Sophie knew it, Logan knew it and I knew it and it was getting close. We were getting weary and so tired. I remember one night praying that something would happen to change this. I didn't know exactly what I meant but I was tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I know Logan was feeling the same way and the Lord listened.

 Dec. 15th 

 Zonked out after being held by mom

Dec. 16th I had to try some of his many hats on him :)

The following photos were taken by our good friend Leslie Pfau on Dec. 11th