So fast. This all happened so fast. Like a flash, my little boy came into this world, and like a flash, he slipped away. What....just....happened?
It was so hard to wrap my head around the past month and ten days. That was it, a month and ten days, but it felt like we had him for a year. Now, we were driving back to our hometown to bury our baby. The drive was long, about 18 hours. We hit a deer. Well, the deer hit us. Great. All you can say is..."oh well". Right? Anyway, we ended up getting home safely.
We planned to have Harrison's funeral on the most appropriate day we could think of, Christmas Eve. It was perfect for Harrison. Now, we just needed to find our baby an outfit. Logan and I ran all over town to find the most perfect, comfortable, and adorable baby boy outfit. The stores were packed, and nothing was working. We became stressed, Logan got sick and started throwing up out of the car with the door open while I was driving down the street. I was holding on to his shirt so he wouldn't fall out and all the while, I was crying. It was actually a pretty funny moment after we both settled down. At least we provided those driving around us with some entertainment. :) Finally, right before heading back home, we found Harrison's outfit he would be buried in. A white cable knit sweater onsie. It looked so perfect and warm. I know he didn't need to be warm, but a mother just needs to dress her baby warm in the winter. It made me feel better.
The night before his funeral we dressed Harrison. I remember feeling so anxious, shaky, and light-headed when we first pulled in. Then, we walked into the room where he was laying. The tears came and I just couldn't touch him. I was so scared. It didn't look like him at all. He didn't have his ventilator, he didn't have his pacifier or his feeding tube.......he didn't have his spirit. But, his body was beautiful......perfect. I was so proud of my son. After standing for a while, I had a moment where my fear was washed away. Just like that, it was gone.
Instead, I heard the words in my head.....
"It's okay, It's okay, It's okay, It's okay"... over and over.
I know it was Harrison trying to help calm me, and it worked. I know he was in that room with us.
The next morning, the day of Christmas Eve, I just had the biggest knot in my stomach. I wanted it to be over. I'll be honest, it was just not something I was looking forward to doing. Logan and I arrived at the funeral home a few minutes early to get everything ready. When we walked into the room where Harrison laid, there was my dad. He was sitting next to his grandson with tears in his eyes, meeting him for the first time. "We've been getting to know each other." I was so sad and happy at the same time. I know Harrison was happy to meet his Papa.
The viewing was about to start so Logan wrapped Harrison in his two beautiful blankets and laid him in his casket. Knowing a lot of people were going to meet Harrison for the first time, I just had to do his hair in a sweet little foe-hawk. He had teeny-tiny moccasins that drowned his feet and a beautiful knitted newsboy hat.
He was dressed to the nines.
We were happy to dress him up and he looked fabulous. :)
Our family, and closest friends came one by one. It was such a blur. I was so happy to see so many loved ones come from so far away, just for my son. It touched our hearts. Sophie was showing off her brother to her cousins. "This is my baby brother, Harrison", she would say and kiss him on the forehead. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. We had explained to her as clear as we could that Harrison was really up in heaven and his body was still here on earth. She seemed to understand it a little. But when we said our last goodbyes, I knew she really understood what was going on. We kissed him over and over. Sophie gave him a little elephant she bought for him when he was still alive and we all kissed him one more time. Then, they started to close the casket and Sophie just lost it. She started screaming and crying that she wanted to say goodbye to him again. They weren't able to open the casket up again and I tried to calm her down but it was just not working. Thankfully, Logan's aunt took her to a store to buy candy. What a smart woman. :) It absolutely broke my heart to see Sophie react that way. I have never seen a moment like that in my life until then.
Harrison's service was so wonderful. Logan and I have never felt so loved or felt the Spirit so strong. We had beautiful music given by Harrison's cousins and family, and beautiful words spoken through prayer and talks.
The most wonderful and comforting words to hear during that time, were the words spoken by Logan, Harrison's daddy.
His thoughts were perfect and his words were beautiful. He read a letter that he wrote to Harrison at the end of his talk and I couldn't have said it better myself. I was so proud of him. What a wonderful father he is. Before Harrison's funeral, Logan had asked me if I would sing for the service. At first I was shocked. I didn't think I could sing! I didn't want to be scared to sing on top of the grief I was feeling, but after thinking about it for a couple days, I decided I needed to. I wanted to sing for Harrison, so I did. Now, it didn't sound good. Most of it was shaky and tear-filled, but that was the best I could do. :) Afterward, I was so happy that I sang. There was no better way I could've expressed my love for my baby. Song is the best way I know how to show my feelings and I really felt like he loved it.
***These two pictures of mine and Logan's brothers are two of the most powerful images I have ever seen.
I cry every time I look at these.
I just want to let these wonderful men know that I am so thankful that they came, that they supported Logan, Sophie and I, and that they love Harrison.
I love my brothers so much.
This meant so much to me.
Thank you.
We drove to the gravesite, Logan's grandfather said a beautiful dedicatory prayer and we released 42 balloons in the air. One balloon for each day that Harrison lived.
The day was sunny and the air was crisp with snow on the ground. Many cars were lined up down the road and it made me smile to see how many people loved us. Logan and I were just so happy. We were happy to see our family, happy to be together as a family of four, and we felt the warm burning of the Holy Ghost telling us that everything is and will be okay. We were happy that we had the chance to meet, hold, kiss, sing, care for, and love our baby Harrison, and now we were so happy for him.
He made it.
His work is done on this earth, but, I know without a doubt he is working hard on the other side.
He is working to bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ to those who will accept it.
We could not have asked for a more wonderful son and a more wonderful experience.
Even though it still hurts more than I can describe at times, I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven. Logan and I have learned so much. We still have so much more to learn, but now, we as a family have a shining star to look at. Harrison is our tie to heaven. He is our motivation to work hard, to be good, and become more like our Savior so we can live with Him and Harrison again. I am so thankful for that.
It will forever be a challenge, but we are up for that challenge.
Thank you, Harrison.
