My blessings....

It's getting close. Close to the time we lost Harrison. Close to the time that this parallel universe where my baby existed on this earth 1 year ago will be over and it makes me a little sad. But, even though I have felt sad, being in this bracket of time when Harrison was born to when he died, I have never felt so much joy in my life. This season.... this NEW season to us, the season of Christ, the season of giving and the season of Harrison; it has been so amazingly wonderful. We have never felt so much joy and happiness, so much excitement for the holidays, so much gratefulness. Last year, the holidays just flew by under our noses. It's like I didn't even pay attention to them. I mean, we buried our child on Christmas Eve for heavens sake. Thanksgiving and Christmas were there but, not very important to me. This year is so special. Logan and I have talked about how this year we have time to really celebrate, be together as a family, and most importantly, reflect on our son. I have never felt him so close, so many days in a row. I know he is here with his family, celebrating the holidays and I am so happy he is! What a blessing Harrison is to us and what a blessing the peace is that our Savior is giving to us.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about my family and I've figured something out. First, I will start with Logan. I have noticed that Logan is my rock, he is my oak tree. When times are hard and I need someone, he is there and he will not fall. He supports me and listens to me and that is probably the most important thing that a girl needs. I am so thankful for his support during this difficult time in his life. He works so hard and is pushed so hard mentally and physically. Sometimes I just think he is going to crack under all of this pressure but......not so. I am thankful I found a man who is a hard worker and who is so courageous. Logan is my rock.

Sophie, I have found, is my angel. There have been times when I am down and we don't have Logan around because of school. Sophie has seen me on my knees just crying and crying, and then suddenly I feel these little tiny toddler hands on my face and hear her voice, "It's okay, mama." "Come here, let me hold you. It's okay, let me take care of you." The first time I heard her say those words it hit me like a freight train, she was sent to me to teach me that everything really is okay. She shows me a little ray of Christ's light and suddenly I feel better. My little girl, my little med-school buddy. I am so grateful for her.

Harrison is my hero. It was so easy to see. I know he is a righteous soul. He was "too pure, too lovely" for this world. His only test was to come and get a body on this earth and he did it and boy did he leave an impression when he left. He is there now, where I want to be. He has accomplished my goal, to live with my Father in Heaven again someday. He has opened my eyes and awoken me to the realities of this life. He has made it more clear to me what I need to do. What an example, what a hero. He will forever be my compass to the Lord and always remind me of the real reason we are here on this earth. What a blessing. I can't say enough about that boy.

Last June, I went through another trial I never thought I would have to go through. We found out we were expecting. The day of my first ultrasound, Sophie and I drove there alone. Logan was taking his boards in Philadelphia for a few days. On the drive there, I started crying uncontrollably. I didn't quite know why. Maybe it was just the feeling of going to see a different baby, not Harrison. The feeling of doing this all over again without Harrison? Or maybe I was just so scared something bad was going to happen. We got in the room and she started the ultrasound. Everything was there....everything except the baby. I was about 8 weeks along and there was no embryo. I sat in shock, not understanding what a "blighted ovum" was. But I was pregnant! I was sick, throwing up, I was pregnant! And, I was. I was pregnant with everything but an embryo. I had had a miscarriage. I was another statistic. I couldn't believe it. That day was one of those days when Sophie had to take care of me. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want to move, eat, I wanted to do absolutely nothing. I called Logan in tears, wishing that he could be with me. The anger that filled me was just so surprising. Why hadn't I been this mad with Harrison? I didn't even have a child inside of me this time. But I knew why. With Harrison I was so much closer to the spirit. I felt the peace and comfort of the Lord right away. It is amazing how easy it is to slip from those things. I had slipped from the constant praying, reading my scriptures, and listening for the spirit daily. I could feel I had slipped. I was so angry and depressed. Logan told me I needed to pray, so I did. I could feel the peace. When Logan got home, we scheduled a D&C. I was so afraid but everything went well and I felt so much better after it was all over. I knew the Savior was by my side and I knew Harrison was with me as well. I didn't know why this strange miscarriage had to happen, but I knew that everything would be okay and if anything, I could learn to feel empathy for others going through the same trial. I have felt that empathy, and hopefully I have been able to help others.

Growing up, I never thought of infertility, miscarriages, still births, or infant deaths. I don't think anyone thinks of that when they are anticipating starting a family. I am amazed at the hardships women have to face with pregnancies and it makes me sad with every announcement of a miscarriage or infant death or someone struggling with infertility. But, I know that the Lord loves women, we are special to him. We hold a special role on this earth whether we can have children or not. He knows we are strong and that we can get through these things. I don't know it all, but I do know that I have to trust in Him. When I do trust in Him, he blesses me tremendously.

Which brings me to my next child.......my rainbow. After losing Harrison, and this miscarriage, we are so excited to say that we are expecting again. This baby is my rainbow after the storm. It is teaching me thankfulness, patience, and how to trust in the Lord even more. Not a day goes by that I don't think "what if I lose this baby?" but then I remember I need to trust Him and I need to be thankful, and enjoy this baby, now. Due June 18th, it will be a wild ride for us. Logan will be graduating med-school, we will be having this baby and then, just a few days later we will be off to a new place to start residency. Life is definitely a roller coaster and you never know what will happen, but trusting in the Lord and giving thanks to Him is what I'm holding onto. It's the key that I have found that keeps me going.

So, to my family.....my rock, my angel, my hero, and my rainbow.....I love you! I'm so grateful for you in my life. You are my greatest blessings and I don't know what I would do without you.

Proverbs Chapter 3: 5&6 

"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct they paths."

Image from :https://cubelight.wordpress.com

Dear Harrison,

Today is your first birthday. It's crazy how fast 1 year goes by. It feels like just yesterday I first met your little self. I remember thinking how tiny you were and how worried you looked as you tried so hard to breathe. I had no idea what to expect, no idea that you would change our lives forever in such a miraculous way. One tiny body, and look what you did! You have taught me and your daddy patience, love, endurance, and most importantly, you have brought me closer to my Savior. Before you, the world was so fast, my mind wasn't as focused on the reality of it all, the reality of this life. The day you were born, and even more so, the day I found out I would lose you, my eyes were opened. There was so much fear and even some anger, but, amidst it all I found that my Savior was always there and still is. He is always and forever standing right next to me. What a gift that is and you helped me see it! I am eternally grateful for that. 

Harrison, there have been many people in my life who are great and who I look up to, but after I met you I knew, you are my hero. You are the one in our family who has gone before us all, you are our shining star. It will be our goal to always have an eternal family and raise your brothers and sisters so we will be able to live with you again someday. Sophie still talks about you all the time. She draws you pictures, prays for you, and always includes you in all we do. We have been teaching her of the things you are doing in Heaven, how you are sharing the gospel with others. You are already such a great example to her. Keep working hard. We are all so proud of you!

This week has been pretty hard and even though my heart still aches and tears still fall, I want you to know that I am happy. I'm happy that you came, I'm happy that I held you and kissed you. I'm happy that you are safe and healthy now, and I'm happy you are my son. Heaven only knows how long it will be until I get to see your face again, but at least I can still feel you. Please stay close to us. Keep reminding me to work harder and to be better. I am still learning lessons from you. 

Happy birthday my sweet boy. I love and miss you with all my heart.

Love, 

Mom

A letter from Daddy to Harrison at his funeral.......

Dec. 24, 2013

Harrison,

Oh my dear sweet Harrison, I wanted to write you this Christmas letter to tell you how much your Mother, and I love you. We have always felt a sense of urgency when it came to having you come into this world. We both felt that we needed to have another child, and when you decided to come 7 weeks early I also knew that it was the right time for you to be here.

Watching you being born, struggle with your breathing, and having numerous malformations was hard on me personally at first, I felt so helpless at times when I wanted to so badly for you to be healed. The Father and future Doctor in me wanted to pursue every surgery and possible remedy to keep you here as long as possible. I knew; however, in my heart that it was not your mission to be here on the Earth for long, but to rather serve with our Father in Heaven. This revelation came to me shortly after your diagnosis with Trisomy 18. Your Mother and I were in the car talking about you outside of the house, I felt the spirit come to me and tell me that I was commanded to bring you into this life and it was my calling to care for you while you were here. I want you to know that I am honored to have this sacred calling. I will do my best to magnify this calling throughout my life.

We were so blessed to have you in our lives for 41 days. You brought with you a sense of peace and understanding. The nurses who cared for you, the people who visited you, your family, even those who were far away all felt that old wise spirit that you have. Their testimonies all grew in some regard, many with the truth of eternal families. I must admit that I often felt insufficient while I was around you, but I loved caring for you. My favorite things to do with you were; bathe you, and sleep with you on my chest. I loved to bathe you as it would tend to wake you up/make you nervous and you would give us the best little faces I have ever seen. I liked to have you sleep on my chest because, well, who wouldn't want a pure and sweet boy that close to them. I will always cherish those times as it brought me peace and comfort.

Throughout your life, Harrison, you were given several blessings with the power of the priesthood. I will always remember those blessings and the promises that the Lord made to you, but the promise that stands out to me, is when I as a Father, had the opportunity to bless you with eternal exaltation to live with our Father in Heaven. What a promise! Thank you for allowing me that privilege. I couldn't ask for anything more, nor would I ever want to take that away from you. I have made covenants with my Lord to be the person that I need to be to live with him and my family for eternity. Harrison, I also promise you that I will see you again. Families are forever if we allow them to be. Know that I will be with you again. I'm so proud of you, son. Just like my parents would tell me while I was on my mission; I miss you so much, but I'm glad that you are on your mission serving the Lord, and we know that is where you need to be until we meet again.

Love, 

Your very proud father.

A dear family friend of ours was so kind to create an amazing treasure for us that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. Emily Boyce of Lemon Reel Studios worked so hard to put all of our pictures and videos of Harrison together into a movie. We are so grateful to her! Words cannot even describe how indebted we are to her for this kind service she has done. We absolutely love this video. Thank you, Emily! Go here to watch the video.

Milk

Pumping. 

What a chore. 

I didn't love it, I can tell you that. But, that milk was feeding my baby boy so I kept going. When I found out about Harrison's condition, I was approached by the NICU lactation consultant. She told me about donating any milk that I had left over after Harrison had passed. She choked up talking about drying up and how it might be nice to start trying before the funeral so I wouldn't be burdened with pumping during his memorial. I had the hardest time wrapping my mind around this whole concept and planning for the future. This is what would come of this abundance of milk that is crowding mine, and three other friend's freezers. It would not go to my baby, it would go to someone else's babies. 

The thought made me....happy. The lightbulb in my head went on. This was a gift from Harrison. Another reason he was here. Another reason why I made so much dang milk and why I pumped this whole time. I, and he, could help someone else. The lactation consultant explained that this milk would possibly go to babies whose mothers had cancer and could not breastfeed, babies whose mothers couldn't produce milk, and more circumstances I can't recall now. I was excited to help and even thought about continuing to pump for months after Harrison's death. That thought completely changed on the day he died. It would take a very special person to do that. I just could not. 

The day came for me to deliver all of my frozen milk to the NICU to donate. It was the first time I had been back to the NICU since we left for the hospice. I was so nervous to see everything. I wanted to see all the nurses who loved and cared for my son. I wanted to see his room. Unfortunately, none of the nurses that I knew were there, so I hugged and cried to the receptionist. She was so sweet to let me hug her, I just needed a hug from someone! I then followed the same sweet lactation consultant down the hallway and filled up an entire deep freezer with my milk. That moment was actually very emotional for me. I could feel Harrison near as I placed each little bottle that reminded me of my time with him. It was like I was giving someone else a part of me.... a part of him. 

After going through the application process of becoming a milk donor, the interviews, the blood work, the screenings, I received this fantastic email I had been waiting for.

"Dear Melissa,

Your milk donations to the Mother's Milk Bank of Iowa for 2013 totaled 1,178.4 ounces. Thank you so very much for your most remarkable contribution. My deepest appreciation and thanks for your above-and-beyond contributions to the welfare of infants in need.

With thanks,

Director and Cofounder

Mother's Milk Bank of Iowa"

This was the first time I was able to personally and intimately help someone. This letter is so important to me and always reminds me that a lot of good came out of losing Harrison. I see the good every day. There is a line in the new "Meet the Mormons" movie that reminded me of Harrison. It was something like, "He was never mine, he was just on loan from heaven." Although Harrison is a part of my eternal family, and I will see him again and live with him forever, he was just "on loan" for those 41 days. He came to visit, and spread some good, and he had to go back home because he had an important work to do. 

Thank you, Harrison, for all your good.

Grief & Trial

Today marks my son's 8th month birthday. 

Today, I might have been changing his diaper with big sister's help. 

Today, I might have been feeding him through his tiny feeding tube and singing him to sleep while he laid on my chest. Or perhaps I would have been taking a walk with him outside in the stroller while Sophie rode her bike beside us. Instead, I am praying about him every day, asking my Father in heaven to tell him I love him, and that I am proud of him. I am feeling his strong spirit next to me as I say my prayers. I am feeling his comfort while we go through life's trials and I am so happy we have an advocate in heaven. 

I have found that grieving for a loved one does get easier. I always questioned those who told me that after Harrison died. 

How could it ever get easier? 

How could this pain go away? 

Quite frankly, I didn't know if I wanted it to at times. I felt like it meant I was growing further and further apart from my son. Well, tonight, as I sit on my floor, staring at pictures of Logan holding Harrison across the room, I feel peace. My broken heart has finally been sewn back together. The scars are still there, but I want them to stay. Those are my sweet memories of the special time with my son and they have taught me so much. When I play back all of the events that started 8 months ago, I see calm...I see still...I see love....and I only see a slight moment of chaos and pain. The pain will always remain, but I learn to live around it and I learn to be happy for the time we had with sweet Harrison. 

After Harrison's funeral on Christmas Eve, we woke up to an exciting Christmas morning filled with presents, family and food. After the commotion was over, I went upstairs to our room because I had to pump. That was one of my darkest moments on this whole journey. I have never felt the adversary stronger. He knew I was weak, and hurting, and he tried to take advantage of my grief and pain. In that moment while I was sitting, pumping, and sobbing, I had a horrible thought pop into my head. I was in so much pain and just wanted it to go away. The thought that came into my mind was, I needed to finish what I was doing, go outside and get in my car. I would drive and drive. I didn't know where I would go, or what I would do, but I knew I wouldn't be alive at the end of that drive. It lasted for maybe a minute and was one of the most terrifying feelings I have ever had. And almost like I was having a dream, I woke up and kind of shook myself out of it. I knew exactly who was trying to get to me and immediatly said a prayer left the room to be with family. I have never forgotten that single moment and it makes me think of all of the millions and millions of people that satan tries to take hold of and sometimes succeeds. My purpose for sharing this experience is to remind myself and others that grief can be very painful. There can be times when you want to lay and do nothing during the day or even die yourself, but the reality of it is, Heavenly Father wants you to come to him in those moments. Those are the times when you need to kneel down, pray for your pain to be taken away and for your heart to be healed. Listen to the spirit and show your faith and He will heal you. He will. He has done it for me. I prayed for days of happiness after many days of crying and pain. I knew He would help me, and he did. 

About 7 months ago the grieving process for my baby boy had already started and I didn't know how I would live to see even the 4th of July without Harrison, but here we are on the 9th of July, still standing with the Lord's help. 

I am so grateful for the strength that I have found within me because of my child in heaven to comfort me, because of my Savior's arm to guide me and because of my Father's hands to heal me. 

I know who I need to be and this grief I feel is just a stepping stone to get me there.

Doctrine And Covenants 54:10 And again, be patient in tribulation until I come; and behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me, and they who have sought me early shall find rest to their souls. Even so. Amen.

Sophie's 1st time seeing baby brother. Oh, the joy in her eyes.

Until we meet again....

So fast. This all happened so fast. Like a flash, my little boy came into this world, and like a flash, he slipped away. What....just....happened? 

It was so hard to wrap my head around the past month and ten days. That was it, a month and ten days, but it felt like we had him for a year. Now, we were driving back to our hometown to bury our baby. The drive was long, about 18 hours. We hit a deer. Well, the deer hit us. Great. All you can say is..."oh well". Right? Anyway, we ended up getting home safely. 

We planned to have Harrison's funeral on the most appropriate day we could think of, Christmas Eve. It was perfect for Harrison. Now, we just needed to find our baby an outfit. Logan and I ran all over town to find the most perfect, comfortable, and adorable baby boy outfit. The stores were packed, and nothing was working. We became stressed, Logan got sick and started throwing up out of the car with the door open while I was driving down the street. I was holding on to his shirt so he wouldn't fall out and all the while, I was crying. It was actually a pretty funny moment after we both settled down. At least we provided those driving around us with some entertainment. :) Finally, right before heading back home, we found Harrison's outfit he would be buried in. A white cable knit sweater onsie. It looked so perfect and warm. I know he didn't need to be warm, but a mother just needs to dress her baby warm in the winter. It made me feel better.

The night before his funeral we dressed Harrison. I remember feeling so anxious, shaky, and light-headed when we first pulled in. Then, we walked into the room where he was laying. The tears came and I just couldn't touch him. I was so scared. It didn't look like him at all. He didn't have his ventilator, he didn't have his pacifier or his feeding tube.......he didn't have his spirit.  But, his body was beautiful......perfect. I was so proud of my son. After standing for a while, I had a moment where my fear was washed away. Just like that, it was gone. 

Instead, I heard the words in my head.....

"It's okay, It's okay, It's okay, It's okay"... over and over. 

I know it was Harrison trying to help calm me, and it worked. I know he was in that room with us. 

The next morning, the day of Christmas Eve, I just had the biggest knot in my stomach. I wanted it to be over. I'll be honest, it was just not something I was looking forward to doing. Logan and I arrived at the funeral home a few minutes early to get everything ready. When we walked into the room where Harrison laid, there was my dad. He was sitting next to his grandson with tears in his eyes, meeting him for the first time. "We've been getting to know each other." I was so sad and happy at the same time. I know Harrison was happy to meet his Papa. 

The viewing was about to start so Logan wrapped Harrison in his two beautiful blankets and laid him in his casket. Knowing a lot of people were going to meet Harrison for the first time, I just had to do his hair in a sweet little foe-hawk. He had teeny-tiny moccasins that drowned his feet and a beautiful knitted newsboy hat. 

He was dressed to the nines. 

We were happy to dress him up and he looked fabulous. :) 

Our family, and closest friends came one by one. It was such a blur. I was so happy to see so many loved ones come from so far away, just for my son. It touched our hearts. Sophie was showing off her brother to her cousins. "This is my baby brother, Harrison", she would say and kiss him on the forehead. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. We had explained to her as clear as we could that Harrison was really up in heaven and his body was still here on earth. She seemed to understand it a little. But when we said our last goodbyes, I knew she really understood what was going on. We kissed him over and over. Sophie gave him a little elephant she bought for him when he was still alive and we all kissed him one more time. Then, they started to close the casket and Sophie just lost it. She started screaming and crying that she wanted to say goodbye to him again. They weren't able to open the casket up again and I tried to calm her down but it was just not working. Thankfully, Logan's aunt took her to a store to buy candy. What a smart woman. :) It absolutely broke my heart to see Sophie react that way. I have never seen a moment like that in my life until then. 

Harrison's service was so wonderful. Logan and I have never felt so loved or felt the Spirit so strong. We had beautiful music given by Harrison's cousins and family, and beautiful words spoken through prayer and talks. 

The most wonderful and comforting words to hear during that time, were the words spoken by Logan, Harrison's daddy. 

His thoughts were perfect and his words were beautiful. He read a letter that he wrote to Harrison at the end of his talk and I couldn't have said it better myself. I was so proud of him. What a wonderful father he is. Before Harrison's funeral, Logan had asked me if I would sing for the service. At first I was shocked. I didn't think I could sing! I didn't want to be scared to sing on top of the grief I was feeling, but after thinking about it for a couple days, I decided I needed to. I wanted to sing for Harrison, so I did. Now, it didn't sound good. Most of it was shaky and tear-filled, but that was the best I could do. :) Afterward, I was so happy that I sang. There was no better way I could've expressed my love for my baby. Song is the best way I know how to show my feelings and I really felt like he loved it.

***These two pictures of mine and Logan's brothers are two of the most powerful images I have ever seen. 

I cry every time I look at these. 

I just want to let these wonderful men know that I am so thankful that they came, that they supported Logan, Sophie and I, and that they love Harrison. 

I love my brothers so much. 

This meant so much to me. 

Thank you.

We drove to the gravesite, Logan's grandfather said a beautiful dedicatory prayer and we released 42 balloons in the air. One balloon for each day that Harrison lived.

The day was sunny and the air was crisp with snow on the ground. Many cars were lined up down the road and it made me smile to see how many people loved us. Logan and I were just so happy. We were happy to see our family, happy to be together as a family of four, and we felt the warm burning of the Holy Ghost telling us that everything is and will be okay. We were happy that we had the chance to meet, hold, kiss, sing, care for, and love our baby Harrison, and now we were so happy for him. 

He made it. 

His work is done on this earth, but, I know without a doubt he is working hard on the other side. 

He is working to bring the Gospel of Jesus Christ to those who will accept it. 

We could not have asked for a more wonderful son and a more wonderful experience. 

Even though it still hurts more than I can describe at times, I am so grateful to my Father in Heaven. Logan and I have learned so much. We still have so much more to learn, but now, we as a family have a shining star to look at. Harrison is our tie to heaven. He is our motivation to work hard, to be good, and become more like our Savior so we can live with Him and Harrison again. I am so thankful for that. 

It will forever be a challenge, but we are up for that challenge. 

Thank you, Harrison.

All you need is love....and family....

I never thought I would see the day when Logan and I had to tell one of our children that their sibling had died. Today was that day. 

I was so scared. We picked her up from our friend's house and took her home. She was so happy and cute. I was so grateful that we still had her with us. It was like she was a little ray of sunshine to brighten our day. When we got inside, we took Sophie into Harrison's "room". He never was able to use it but to this day it is known as "Harrison's room". Logan put her on his lap and proceeded to tell her that Harrison was now living with Heavenly Father. She looked at him and simply said, "Okay". We talked to her a little more about him and then went to relax in the living room. I was wondering if she really understood where Harrison was so I asked her, "Sophie, where is Harrison?" She answered, "He's in Harrison's room". Confused at what I had just heard, I asked her, "Wait, what? Where is he?" And Sophie pointed to Harrison's room and said, "Harrison is in Harrison's room" and then she went on playing. Logan and I looked at each other and didn't quite know what to think. I'm not sure if she felt Harrison in the room with us or maybe even could see him. Who knows. I wouldn't doubt that a sweet innocent child could have an experience like that. 

The day of Harrison's death was such a blur. For a while we just sat, relaxed, and cried. We felt peaceful and so loved with all of the phone calls and messages from all of our loved ones. I even remember saying to Logan, "I feel like Harrison just came to visit us for a little while and then we just took him to the airport for him to go home. He was just here for a visit and now he went back to his home." The feeling of relief that Logan and I had was so very scary and shocking to us. I wasn't relieved that my baby was gone, not at all. Yet, I had relief. I think it was Heavenly Father and the Holy Ghost comforting us. 

It's a strange thing, going through a family death while being away from family and in medical school. Our friends and our church have become our family here. We were so taken care of. We received gifts, we had people pay for our dinner to be delivered to us, and we had so many visitors. One in particular still stands out to me. Logan and I were in our room, packing, because we quickly needed to get ready to drive home for Harrison's funeral. We heard a knock on the door and I answered it. There stood one of Logan's friends that he had grown up with who is here at the same medical school. I didn't know him that well but the first thing he did was tell me he was so sorry and then he gave me the biggest hug. I needed that very hug. Not only was it sweet of our friend to come straight from work just to give us a hug, but I also felt my three brothers in that hug. I hadn't seen them in a while and that hug just gave me the feeling of home, which was greatly needed. We had a few other close friends who stopped in just to sit with us. We talked and laughed. It was so nice to have friends with us. One couple stayed with us almost all through the night while we packed. I was amazed. 

One, out of many things I have learned through this whole experience is that we are loved. We. Are. Loved. Loved by friends, loved by family, but most of all, we are loved by our Father in heaven and our Savior. They never left our side. I know for a fact that they never left my side. I could not have done this without them. They love me, they know me, and they care. That's why I feel grateful for this experience. Because I have come to know THEM better. I have come to love my husband more. I have come to appreciate my little girl more. I was able to meet, and get to know and love my sweet Harrison. I have grown in my emotional, spiritual, and even physical strength. 

I can do hard things! I

 never knew I could do this, but the Lord did. 

Pretty amazing. 

Now all I have to do is wait for the day when I get to have my baby boy again. 

And what's funny is...I'm not scared for that day anymore. 

Sophie and Harrison's footprints. Thanks "Whitty" for the wonderful gift!

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you....

The day was exciting. Logan and I packed Sophie up and took her to a friend's house. She was so excited to have a sleepover and said goodbye as fast as she could. We were off. At first it felt a little strange to not be with our children for the whole day but we really did enjoy ourselves. We shopped, ate out and watched a funny movie. The last time we had gone to a movie alone was before Harrison was born. 

On our way back home, I called the hospice to see how Harrison was doing. Our friend, Brenda, was still with him which made me feel so comforted. It was almost as though his grandma's were with him and I know they wished to be. I was also very happy to hear Whitney answer the phone. She was Harrison's nurse that night. She told me that Harrison's heart rate dropped for a little bit and she had to stimulate him, but assured us he was fine now. It made me feel sad to hear that but since it was so common for Harrison, I didn't think much of it. Logan and I continued our drive home. 

At home, we relaxed a bit and talked about Harrison. I was struggling a lot that night. I was so thankful for the blessing of having Harrison in the hospice but my jealousy was starting to get a hold of me. Knowing that other women, albeit wonderful women, were getting to hold him when I wasn't there was starting to just slowly eat at me. Usually, a mother gets to be in charge of who holds her baby. She gets to be there while someone meets and holds her newborn for the first time. Not this situation. I know this sounds so awful but I was jealous of all of the nurses and volunteers who were taking care of and holding Harrison without me there. Poor Logan was trying his best to make me feel better. He couldn't quite understand those feelings that a mother would have, but he held me as I cried and cried. While he was hugging me, I was looking at the Christmas tree, at all of the beautiful lights and ornaments, and a thought popped into my head. I was reminded of the Savior. I remembered how Mary raised him on earth, and at a young age he was off teaching the gospel to others. She had to give him up, in a sense. She let him go and fulfill his mission on earth, and then she wept as he left the earth, and was crucified. I know that was the spirit speaking to my heart, teaching me that Harrison needed to continue his mission. Not here on earth, but in heaven. He was also touching so many lives. Lives of the nurses who took care of him, the volunteers who sat with him, those who had never even met him. He was serving his mission on earth and he needed to pass on to continue his mission in heaven. I understood, but was devastated. 

Devastated. 

I wanted those blessings for him, that he could live with our Father in Heaven again and do a wonderful work, but I was so sad for Logan, Sophie and I. Logan helped me calm down and let me know once again that we could do this. This was our calling to bring this boy to earth and to let him go. We were a team, and we could stay strong for Sophie and Harrison. And we decided it was finally time for bed.

December 19, 2013 at 6:30am Logan got a phone call. It was a nurse from the hospice. Harrison's heart rate had dropped. She told us to come in. We both got up and gathered our things. We were moving quickly but it was as though we weren't in a panic like the time before. Thankful that Sophie was sleeping at a friends home, we got in the car and started to drive to the hospice. We were feeling nervous but weren't saying too much. We just didn't know what to expect. Would this be it? Is it just another scare? As Logan was turning onto the on-ramp to get on the highway, his phone started to ring again. He scrambled for his phone and I sat and watched. 

My heart raced. 

"Yes. Okay........Okay...." He hung up. 

His face instantly fell and he started to sob. 

"DID HE GO?!" I yelled. 

"Yes", Logan cried. 

"NOOO! Harrison! Oh, no! Oh, no, my Harrison!" 

It had happened. 

He was really gone, and we didn't make it to see him before he left us. We just weeped in the car as Logan was trying to drive us safely to the hospice to see our baby. We called our parents to tell them the news. I spoke to my dad and he sobbed with me. 

As we turned into the hospice parking lot, I was so scared. Logan stopped the car and we sat for a minute with each other, gaining the strength to go see our sweet Harrison who had just passed away. Logan assured me again that we could do this. We slowly got out of the car and made our way into the building where my baby lived but it was different this time. This time when I entered the building I knew he was in heaven. He wasn't here. Time slowed as we made our way to his room. Tears were running down my face. Logan opened up the door to Harrison's room and two women came right to us. One was a nurse and the other was a volunteer but she let me know she was a nurse for many years. She told me that she was holding Harrison as he passed. He was eating his last meal and he had to finish it before he went. Hearing those words gave me a smile in my heart. He had to finish his meal. He LOVED his milk. I was so happy I was able to give that to him. Logan made his way to Harrison's crib while I stayed by the door. I couldn't move. I was frozen....shaking....crying. He looked at his son and tenderly touched his head while he cried. He looked at me and told me to come but I was too afraid. I honestly think I was too afraid to face the truth. Logan and the two nurses had to help me walk over to Harrison's crib. And there he was...... my sweet boy. Although, it wasn't his spirit, just his beautiful body without all of the tubes. That was the first time I was really able to see his face without his feeding and oxygen tubes. He was so beautiful....but he wasn't there. The nurses left the room and gave us some time. Logan bent down to pick Harrison up. He held him to his chest and cried. I remember him saying, "My son, my son." I walked around the crib and looked at my baby. He was still in his monkey outfit from the last time I saw him. Logan turned and sat down in a chair, still holding Harrison. We just sat, cried, and talked about him. It was a sad.....peaceful... but also such a wonderful time. Our sweet son was in heaven with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ! What a happy day for him!! 

So happy, and so bittersweet. 

I finally got the courage to hold Harrison. He was cold, but I hugged him and kissed him like I always did. I was so glad to hold this sweet body that I was able to grow and carry inside me for 7 months. He was my little buddy, he was my baby. I loved that sweet and imperfect body of his. I loved it so much.

While we were sitting, our Bishop and his wife, Brenda knocked on the door and came in. Brenda was the sweet woman who stayed with Harrison the night before. They came in and comforted us. They stayed with us and talked about Harrison with us. Brenda asked to hold him and I was so happy to let her. She hugged and kissed him, and thanked him for letting her look after him. Then she handed him back to Logan. 

We were in the room with our baby for several hours just talking, crying, holding, and hugging. Logan was on the phone at one time with a family member and was holding Harrison while he was walking around the room. He hung up the phone and said to me, "That was the first time I was able to walk around while holding Harrison." Bittersweet. He also let me know that his sister, who was due with her 4th baby around the same time I was due, was going in to have her c-section. 

Her baby boy would be delivered in 1 hour. 

Wow. 

Harrison and his cousin passing by each other in just one hour.... I kept having this picture in my head of Harrison and the new baby walking by each other and giving a high-five. More bittersweet news and it just made me smile. I was so happy for Logan's sister, and I was amazed at the timing of the Lord. One sweet boy passes as another sweet boy is brought to earth. I am sure they were great friends.

After holding Harrison some more, I felt the need to put him down. I knew he wasn't in his tiny body anymore and it was strange, but I had the strong feeling that I was done holding him. Logan and I kissed him and placed him back in his crib. While Logan was speaking to our Bishop and his wife, I had a moment. A most wonderful and amazing moment that my Father in Heaven gave to me....a gift. I was a able to know, without a doubt, that Harrison was in Heaven with the Lord, smiling and so very happy. The Spirit warmed my soul with happiness and I turned to Logan and said, "I KNOW he is happy. I KNOW he is." That gift that was given to me was a direct answer to many of my prayers. Prayer works. Prayer is real, and the Lord is real. He is waiting for us to ask and when we do, he will give, in his own time. 

I realized after a little bit that I needed to go pump. What a terrible feeling that was. I still needed to deal with drying up. Usually after pumping, I would need to put the milk directly into the fridge and label it with the date, time, and Harrison's name. This time when I was done, I dumped it right down the sink. No more.....no more. I had been wondering what I would decide to do once Harrison was gone. Would I keep pumping as much as I could for however long? Would I stop? I was so unsure, but in that moment...I was DONE. I already had many, many ounces stored in my freezer as well as 3 different friends' houses. All of that milk was going to be donated to the milk bank. I had done enough. 

After about 5 hours in the hospice, we needed to go. Sophie was still at her friends house and we needed to explain to her that Harrison was now living with Heavenly Father. This made my heart hurt. I didn't know how I would do this. I so desperately wanted my Sophie to have her baby brother, but now he was her guardian angel. That thought made me feel happy and so secure. How blessed we are to have a little angel in heaven watching over us. And when I say "little" I am only referring to his earthly body. He was little in stature but his spirit is giant. 

On the drive back home I remember saying "I can't believe it is over." Logan's response was....."It's not over....It's just the beginning."

As Sophie would say, this is "Harrison's song". Whenever we hear it, it takes us back to the very moment of driving to see our son. 

Last kisses...

December 17th was the last time Sophie and Logan saw baby Harrison alive. 

I remember that day, Logan and I were tired and frustrated for some reason as we arrived at the hospice. I really felt like Logan needed some alone time with Harrison so I tried my hardest to entertain Sophie and make sure Logan got to hold Harrison as much as he could. 

He held him for about 2 hours straight. 

Dec. 17th Sophie and Mom's day visit 

Sophie held him and sang to him like she always does. She kissed him, cuddled him, and helped me with the big sister stuff she loved to do. 

Before we knew it, it was time to go so we said goodbye to Harrison. I always made sure that Sophie gave him a kiss and said goodbye every time before we left just in case it was the last time she could do it. 

We went home and put Sophie to bed. I planned on going to sleep with Harrison that night. Before I left, I sat and talked to Logan. I told him how I was just so tired and didn't feel like driving back, I just wanted to go to sleep at home. Logan said I should do whatever I wanted. I sat and thought. Even though I was exhausted, I felt like I needed to stay with my baby. It was hard to stay the night because I basically didn't sleep at all. Every 3 hours the nurse would come in to feed Harrison plus I had to pump at least once a night. It was wearing me down, but I wanted to be with him. 

December 18th

I started driving the 15 minute drive to the hospice and thought about tomorrow. Logan had the idea that we needed to go on a date. We needed to get out and have some fun to recharge and let go of some stress. We decided we would take a lot of that day to go shopping, have dinner and then watch a movie. When he first suggested we spend almost a whole day apart from Harrison, I was scared. I started to feel guilty, but Logan insisted that we needed this date. I agreed, and asked our bishop's wife to sit with Harrison that whole day and found a friend to take Sophie for the day and overnight. 

Once I got to the hospice and walked into Harrison's room I was so happy I decided to come. My sweetie was just waiting for me to hold him. I quickly got ready for bed. I pulled the recliner close to Harrison's crib, set my water and cell phone next to the chair, and carefully picked up my boy. We sunk into the chair and I pulled a blanket up over us. Then, we just snuggled for a while. My favorite part of the day. Silence, and holding Harrison. 

December 18th - My last kisses

After Harrison's feeding I decided I should probably get to sleep. I put him down, dimmed the lights, and closed my eyes. A couple hours later it was time for him to eat again. He started crying quite a bit. A lot more than he usually did. It seemed he was getting hungrier and hungrier. I tell you, that boy loved his food. :) The nurse came in and gave him his milk and he still didn't calm down, so I picked him up and held him in my arms. 

Next, I did what I knew best, I sang to him. 

I had never once sang my new baby boy to sleep before. Right when I started to sing, he stopped crying and just stared up at me in silence. I remember looking down at his face and watching him as he studied me. It looked like his little mind was going a million miles a minute. I always felt like Harrison knew more than me. More than all of us. Like the veil to the other side wasn't closed. If only he could have talked to me, but for now, I could feel his love and his spirit through his tiny, dark eyes. After singing at least 4 songs to him, he fell asleep. 

A couple more feedings later, I picked Harrison up again and we slept together until his new nurse came in for the morning. There were a couple of times that his heart rate went down while I was holding him but that wasn't anything new. I didn't think anything of it. I told the nurse that I wanted to bathe Harrison today and they got everything ready. Like I said before, Harrison loved his baths. He was actually asleep when I gave him this bath and didn't wake up until halfway into it. There were three of us in the room and we were just laughing at him as he was just limp and asleep. I loved his skinny legs and arms. They were the cutest little chicken limbs I had ever seen. I got him all cleaned up, lotioned, changed, and they gave him his next feeding. They started giving him more milk since I noticed he was getting even more cranky with his meal times. I could tell he liked having a fuller tummy. 

Harrison must have felt like a new man after that bath because he was wide awake and talking to me. I needed to go soon because Logan and I were going on our date but for some reason I just couldn't leave him. I got all of my things together and found myself going back to him over and over to kiss him more and more. I couldn't stay away. I decided to grab my camera to try and catch him jabbering at me. It was almost like he was trying to talk. I'm glad that I captured these moments because they were the last moments I had with him. Finally I felt like it was time to go. Logan and I needed to get Sophie to her friend's house and I still needed to take a shower, so I kissed my baby for the last time. 

The last time. 

I turned and walked away. 

The last time......If I had only knew,

I would have never left his side.

Our piece of heaven on earth......

When faced with a trial where you have an unknown amount of time with a loved one, your priorities are really straightened out. Family comes first, you also need The Lord for strength and understanding, and then you try to get sleep. That's it. That is what consumed our days while we were in the hospice. 

We were there.

 There for Harrison.

There for Sophie 

so she could experience as much of her brother as she could. 

Dec. 10th First day in the hospice

Showing Harrison his puppy, "Rolo"

She was just ecstatic to be able to get in his crib and hold him all by herself. It just melted my heart to see the two of them together. What a great big sister she was and still is to Harrison. She would sing to him, try to give him his pacifier, show Harrison his toys. She was loving it. This is exactly what I wanted. We were together as a family. We were able to relax and watch movies while Harrison slept in the other room. I could spend the night with him as much as I wanted. I was feeling more and more like his mother. But there were still things that I wished I could do. I wanted so badly to be able to feed him. I hated pumping. Hated it. I hated waking up in the middle of the night without my baby just to pump. But even thought I hated it, I loved that I was able to at least do something for Harrison. And boy did he love to eat! Whenever it was time for him to eat he would get so grouchy. Harrison was a very mild and meek little baby, partly because all of his energy was going toward breathing, but we really hardly ever heard him cry except at meal times. 

Dec. 12th

I loved hearing him cry. 

I hope I'm not the only mom out there who actually likes to see their babies cry. 

I think it is so precious. 

Maybe it was extra precious since Harrison didn't cry very often. :) 

Dec. 13th

Being a "big sister"

One of the biggest reasons we were able to be with Harrison so much was because of all of the help we received. I have never, EVER been in such a situation where I had to ask for and accept so much help. We received meals for about a month, we had babysitting for Sophie for about a month as well. We received countless cards, phone calls, checks, flowers, presents, you name it. The love and blessings were pouring in. I remember being in shock as person after person went above and beyond what they needed to do and really lifted our burdens. Still to this day I am swamped by thank you notes that I need to write. I'm afraid it will take even a few more months to finish them all. :) 

All I can say about all of this goodness is that God knows what we need. He is at our side every day if we allow him. He is letting others know of our needs and he is comforting us when we are struggling. HE KNOWS. 

HE SEES. 

HE LISTENS. 

HE IS THERE.  

Dec. 12th My eternal family

This trial that our family went through has opened my eyes to that concept. We are so close to our Father in Heaven. We are so close to Jesus Christ. We are so close to the Holy Ghost. We just have to allow them into our lives. They are waiting for us to open our ears to them and to allow them to help us. I feel like I am a good person. I have never been the best, but I feel like I have been a pretty good person. What I never knew was that I could be so much better. I have so much potential and the way I learned that was through Harrison. The Lord trusted me with him. He knew I could handle it. He knows the person that I am and from what I can tell, I must have been pretty strong. I never in a million years thought I would be able to say goodbye to one of my children but The Lord had these plans laid out for Logan and Sophie and I so he knew we could do it. That alone gives me hope and strength. I have so much work to do to become who the Lord knows I am and through the help of all of these wonderful angels who had been helping us, we were able to keep going and become stronger. 

So, thank you. 

Thank you to everyone who smiled, cried with us, visited us, gave us meals, watched Sophie, prayed, thought of us, sent us money, called us....the list goes on. 

Thank you.

Dec. 13th Harrison's festive crib :)

"stretch!"

Looking back to our time in the hospice I now realize that Harrison wasn't there to survive for himself, he was surviving for us. So we could kiss him, sing to him, change his diaper, take pictures and videos and do all of the things that we wanted to do with him before he left us. He was gracious and I am so thankful for that. He didn't need to come back to us, but he did. 

What a sweetheart. 

One thing we were able to do that I am so happy about is bless Harrison. Logan and Bishop Bahr blessed Harrison on December 12, 2013. He was blessed with eternal exaltation. He was blessed that someday he would receive the priesthood power, that someday he will serve a mission after this life and someday he will get married. He was also told that Heavenly Father was very proud of him. I can imagine that he is extremely proud and so are we. 

Dec. 12th

On December 15th I was able to do something else that made me so happy.  Harrison and I were able to "nuzzle". It's like breast feeding but with no milk. I had talked to a lactation consultant and told her that I really wanted to try it at least once and she gave me the green light. So I tried it twice and it worked, twice. All of the nurses in the hospice started to celebrate. :) They were literally jumping up and down because they were so happy. I loved it. So, thank you Harrison. Thank you for letting me do that for my own selfish reasons. :)

Dec. 14th

The time we had with Harrison was so special. It was so brief and short and not how we ever thought our time with him would be but we loved it. We knew he was going to leave us soon. We didn't know when but we always felt it would be sooner rather than later. On December 16th I wrote down a sweet and tender moment between Sophie and I that I would like to share.

12-16-13

                           Today I asked Sophie if she knew where baby Harrison was going. She answered       "With Heavenly Father". It broke my heart and made me happy at the same time and I started to cry. She looked at me and then said, "I know. I know." Then she hopped off my lap, ran off, and came back with a tissue. "It's okay. It's okay. She said and she gave me a hug. I was amazed.

Dec. 11th

That's where he was going. It's where he needed to be. Sophie knew it, Logan knew it and I knew it and it was getting close. We were getting weary and so tired. I remember one night praying that something would happen to change this. I didn't know exactly what I meant but I was tired and felt like I couldn't do it anymore. I know Logan was feeling the same way and the Lord listened.

 Dec. 15th 

 Zonked out after being held by mom

Dec. 16th I had to try some of his many hats on him :)

The following photos were taken by our good friend Leslie Pfau on Dec. 11th