Last kisses...

December 17th was the last time Sophie and Logan saw baby Harrison alive. 

I remember that day, Logan and I were tired and frustrated for some reason as we arrived at the hospice. I really felt like Logan needed some alone time with Harrison so I tried my hardest to entertain Sophie and make sure Logan got to hold Harrison as much as he could. 

He held him for about 2 hours straight. 

Dec. 17th Sophie and Mom's day visit 

Sophie held him and sang to him like she always does. She kissed him, cuddled him, and helped me with the big sister stuff she loved to do. 

Before we knew it, it was time to go so we said goodbye to Harrison. I always made sure that Sophie gave him a kiss and said goodbye every time before we left just in case it was the last time she could do it. 

We went home and put Sophie to bed. I planned on going to sleep with Harrison that night. Before I left, I sat and talked to Logan. I told him how I was just so tired and didn't feel like driving back, I just wanted to go to sleep at home. Logan said I should do whatever I wanted. I sat and thought. Even though I was exhausted, I felt like I needed to stay with my baby. It was hard to stay the night because I basically didn't sleep at all. Every 3 hours the nurse would come in to feed Harrison plus I had to pump at least once a night. It was wearing me down, but I wanted to be with him. 

December 18th

I started driving the 15 minute drive to the hospice and thought about tomorrow. Logan had the idea that we needed to go on a date. We needed to get out and have some fun to recharge and let go of some stress. We decided we would take a lot of that day to go shopping, have dinner and then watch a movie. When he first suggested we spend almost a whole day apart from Harrison, I was scared. I started to feel guilty, but Logan insisted that we needed this date. I agreed, and asked our bishop's wife to sit with Harrison that whole day and found a friend to take Sophie for the day and overnight. 

Once I got to the hospice and walked into Harrison's room I was so happy I decided to come. My sweetie was just waiting for me to hold him. I quickly got ready for bed. I pulled the recliner close to Harrison's crib, set my water and cell phone next to the chair, and carefully picked up my boy. We sunk into the chair and I pulled a blanket up over us. Then, we just snuggled for a while. My favorite part of the day. Silence, and holding Harrison. 

December 18th - My last kisses

After Harrison's feeding I decided I should probably get to sleep. I put him down, dimmed the lights, and closed my eyes. A couple hours later it was time for him to eat again. He started crying quite a bit. A lot more than he usually did. It seemed he was getting hungrier and hungrier. I tell you, that boy loved his food. :) The nurse came in and gave him his milk and he still didn't calm down, so I picked him up and held him in my arms. 

Next, I did what I knew best, I sang to him. 

I had never once sang my new baby boy to sleep before. Right when I started to sing, he stopped crying and just stared up at me in silence. I remember looking down at his face and watching him as he studied me. It looked like his little mind was going a million miles a minute. I always felt like Harrison knew more than me. More than all of us. Like the veil to the other side wasn't closed. If only he could have talked to me, but for now, I could feel his love and his spirit through his tiny, dark eyes. After singing at least 4 songs to him, he fell asleep. 

A couple more feedings later, I picked Harrison up again and we slept together until his new nurse came in for the morning. There were a couple of times that his heart rate went down while I was holding him but that wasn't anything new. I didn't think anything of it. I told the nurse that I wanted to bathe Harrison today and they got everything ready. Like I said before, Harrison loved his baths. He was actually asleep when I gave him this bath and didn't wake up until halfway into it. There were three of us in the room and we were just laughing at him as he was just limp and asleep. I loved his skinny legs and arms. They were the cutest little chicken limbs I had ever seen. I got him all cleaned up, lotioned, changed, and they gave him his next feeding. They started giving him more milk since I noticed he was getting even more cranky with his meal times. I could tell he liked having a fuller tummy. 

Harrison must have felt like a new man after that bath because he was wide awake and talking to me. I needed to go soon because Logan and I were going on our date but for some reason I just couldn't leave him. I got all of my things together and found myself going back to him over and over to kiss him more and more. I couldn't stay away. I decided to grab my camera to try and catch him jabbering at me. It was almost like he was trying to talk. I'm glad that I captured these moments because they were the last moments I had with him. Finally I felt like it was time to go. Logan and I needed to get Sophie to her friend's house and I still needed to take a shower, so I kissed my baby for the last time. 

The last time. 

I turned and walked away. 

The last time......If I had only knew,

I would have never left his side.