I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you....

The day was exciting. Logan and I packed Sophie up and took her to a friend's house. She was so excited to have a sleepover and said goodbye as fast as she could. We were off. At first it felt a little strange to not be with our children for the whole day but we really did enjoy ourselves. We shopped, ate out and watched a funny movie. The last time we had gone to a movie alone was before Harrison was born. 

On our way back home, I called the hospice to see how Harrison was doing. Our friend, Brenda, was still with him which made me feel so comforted. It was almost as though his grandma's were with him and I know they wished to be. I was also very happy to hear Whitney answer the phone. She was Harrison's nurse that night. She told me that Harrison's heart rate dropped for a little bit and she had to stimulate him, but assured us he was fine now. It made me feel sad to hear that but since it was so common for Harrison, I didn't think much of it. Logan and I continued our drive home. 

At home, we relaxed a bit and talked about Harrison. I was struggling a lot that night. I was so thankful for the blessing of having Harrison in the hospice but my jealousy was starting to get a hold of me. Knowing that other women, albeit wonderful women, were getting to hold him when I wasn't there was starting to just slowly eat at me. Usually, a mother gets to be in charge of who holds her baby. She gets to be there while someone meets and holds her newborn for the first time. Not this situation. I know this sounds so awful but I was jealous of all of the nurses and volunteers who were taking care of and holding Harrison without me there. Poor Logan was trying his best to make me feel better. He couldn't quite understand those feelings that a mother would have, but he held me as I cried and cried. While he was hugging me, I was looking at the Christmas tree, at all of the beautiful lights and ornaments, and a thought popped into my head. I was reminded of the Savior. I remembered how Mary raised him on earth, and at a young age he was off teaching the gospel to others. She had to give him up, in a sense. She let him go and fulfill his mission on earth, and then she wept as he left the earth, and was crucified. I know that was the spirit speaking to my heart, teaching me that Harrison needed to continue his mission. Not here on earth, but in heaven. He was also touching so many lives. Lives of the nurses who took care of him, the volunteers who sat with him, those who had never even met him. He was serving his mission on earth and he needed to pass on to continue his mission in heaven. I understood, but was devastated. 

Devastated. 

I wanted those blessings for him, that he could live with our Father in Heaven again and do a wonderful work, but I was so sad for Logan, Sophie and I. Logan helped me calm down and let me know once again that we could do this. This was our calling to bring this boy to earth and to let him go. We were a team, and we could stay strong for Sophie and Harrison. And we decided it was finally time for bed.

December 19, 2013 at 6:30am Logan got a phone call. It was a nurse from the hospice. Harrison's heart rate had dropped. She told us to come in. We both got up and gathered our things. We were moving quickly but it was as though we weren't in a panic like the time before. Thankful that Sophie was sleeping at a friends home, we got in the car and started to drive to the hospice. We were feeling nervous but weren't saying too much. We just didn't know what to expect. Would this be it? Is it just another scare? As Logan was turning onto the on-ramp to get on the highway, his phone started to ring again. He scrambled for his phone and I sat and watched. 

My heart raced. 

"Yes. Okay........Okay...." He hung up. 

His face instantly fell and he started to sob. 

"DID HE GO?!" I yelled. 

"Yes", Logan cried. 

"NOOO! Harrison! Oh, no! Oh, no, my Harrison!" 

It had happened. 

He was really gone, and we didn't make it to see him before he left us. We just weeped in the car as Logan was trying to drive us safely to the hospice to see our baby. We called our parents to tell them the news. I spoke to my dad and he sobbed with me. 

As we turned into the hospice parking lot, I was so scared. Logan stopped the car and we sat for a minute with each other, gaining the strength to go see our sweet Harrison who had just passed away. Logan assured me again that we could do this. We slowly got out of the car and made our way into the building where my baby lived but it was different this time. This time when I entered the building I knew he was in heaven. He wasn't here. Time slowed as we made our way to his room. Tears were running down my face. Logan opened up the door to Harrison's room and two women came right to us. One was a nurse and the other was a volunteer but she let me know she was a nurse for many years. She told me that she was holding Harrison as he passed. He was eating his last meal and he had to finish it before he went. Hearing those words gave me a smile in my heart. He had to finish his meal. He LOVED his milk. I was so happy I was able to give that to him. Logan made his way to Harrison's crib while I stayed by the door. I couldn't move. I was frozen....shaking....crying. He looked at his son and tenderly touched his head while he cried. He looked at me and told me to come but I was too afraid. I honestly think I was too afraid to face the truth. Logan and the two nurses had to help me walk over to Harrison's crib. And there he was...... my sweet boy. Although, it wasn't his spirit, just his beautiful body without all of the tubes. That was the first time I was really able to see his face without his feeding and oxygen tubes. He was so beautiful....but he wasn't there. The nurses left the room and gave us some time. Logan bent down to pick Harrison up. He held him to his chest and cried. I remember him saying, "My son, my son." I walked around the crib and looked at my baby. He was still in his monkey outfit from the last time I saw him. Logan turned and sat down in a chair, still holding Harrison. We just sat, cried, and talked about him. It was a sad.....peaceful... but also such a wonderful time. Our sweet son was in heaven with our Heavenly Father and Savior Jesus Christ! What a happy day for him!! 

So happy, and so bittersweet. 

I finally got the courage to hold Harrison. He was cold, but I hugged him and kissed him like I always did. I was so glad to hold this sweet body that I was able to grow and carry inside me for 7 months. He was my little buddy, he was my baby. I loved that sweet and imperfect body of his. I loved it so much.

While we were sitting, our Bishop and his wife, Brenda knocked on the door and came in. Brenda was the sweet woman who stayed with Harrison the night before. They came in and comforted us. They stayed with us and talked about Harrison with us. Brenda asked to hold him and I was so happy to let her. She hugged and kissed him, and thanked him for letting her look after him. Then she handed him back to Logan. 

We were in the room with our baby for several hours just talking, crying, holding, and hugging. Logan was on the phone at one time with a family member and was holding Harrison while he was walking around the room. He hung up the phone and said to me, "That was the first time I was able to walk around while holding Harrison." Bittersweet. He also let me know that his sister, who was due with her 4th baby around the same time I was due, was going in to have her c-section. 

Her baby boy would be delivered in 1 hour. 

Wow. 

Harrison and his cousin passing by each other in just one hour.... I kept having this picture in my head of Harrison and the new baby walking by each other and giving a high-five. More bittersweet news and it just made me smile. I was so happy for Logan's sister, and I was amazed at the timing of the Lord. One sweet boy passes as another sweet boy is brought to earth. I am sure they were great friends.

After holding Harrison some more, I felt the need to put him down. I knew he wasn't in his tiny body anymore and it was strange, but I had the strong feeling that I was done holding him. Logan and I kissed him and placed him back in his crib. While Logan was speaking to our Bishop and his wife, I had a moment. A most wonderful and amazing moment that my Father in Heaven gave to me....a gift. I was a able to know, without a doubt, that Harrison was in Heaven with the Lord, smiling and so very happy. The Spirit warmed my soul with happiness and I turned to Logan and said, "I KNOW he is happy. I KNOW he is." That gift that was given to me was a direct answer to many of my prayers. Prayer works. Prayer is real, and the Lord is real. He is waiting for us to ask and when we do, he will give, in his own time. 

I realized after a little bit that I needed to go pump. What a terrible feeling that was. I still needed to deal with drying up. Usually after pumping, I would need to put the milk directly into the fridge and label it with the date, time, and Harrison's name. This time when I was done, I dumped it right down the sink. No more.....no more. I had been wondering what I would decide to do once Harrison was gone. Would I keep pumping as much as I could for however long? Would I stop? I was so unsure, but in that moment...I was DONE. I already had many, many ounces stored in my freezer as well as 3 different friends' houses. All of that milk was going to be donated to the milk bank. I had done enough. 

After about 5 hours in the hospice, we needed to go. Sophie was still at her friends house and we needed to explain to her that Harrison was now living with Heavenly Father. This made my heart hurt. I didn't know how I would do this. I so desperately wanted my Sophie to have her baby brother, but now he was her guardian angel. That thought made me feel happy and so secure. How blessed we are to have a little angel in heaven watching over us. And when I say "little" I am only referring to his earthly body. He was little in stature but his spirit is giant. 

On the drive back home I remember saying "I can't believe it is over." Logan's response was....."It's not over....It's just the beginning."

As Sophie would say, this is "Harrison's song". Whenever we hear it, it takes us back to the very moment of driving to see our son.