An unexpected path

Thanksgiving week came and we were still waiting to hear the results of Harrison's keryotype. My mom left and Logan's mom got here in the same day. It was so nice to have both of our mothers here to help us. I feel bad because all they really did was clean, cook, and watch Sophie 24/7. But it was such a blessing to have them here so we could spend some much needed time with little Harrison.

Harrison -2 days old

One of the doctors in the NICU decided that Harrison was old enough and stable enough to do an MRI, so they did that test around the 22nd, maybe the 25th? It's so hard to remember now. I remember feeling like Harrison was going to be just fine, the test would come back normal and that all of our worries would go away. The nurses transferred him into a transport crib. They forgot his feeding tube was taped up so they actually ripped his nasal canula right out of his nose! Poor Harrison's face looked shocked and then he started to cry. I felt so bad and the nurse felt horrible. She kept apologizing to me over and over again. After they got him settled in the crib, we journeyed through the hospital. I walked with Harrison all the way to some double doors and then they told me to wait in a nearby waiting room. I know I didn't need to wait in the hospital that day. In fact, I don't know if they even wanted a looming mother around when I wouldn't even be hearing the results that day, but I came and waited for him anyway. I felt like I should. He was my son and that's what mothers do for their babies. I had to come and wait for him.

Nov. 18th - Saying a prayer :)

Those next few days were just terrible. The waiting was so hard. I remember the day we were supposed to find out the results of the two tests. It was November 27th, the day before thanksgiving and Logan went to his rotation at another hospital. I was going to get the results back by myself and then I would have to call Logan. I decided that I needed someone else with me for emotional support just in case the results weren't what I wanted to hear so I had Logan's mom and Sophie come and wait in the waiting room. We headed over to the hospital and I went in to visit my sweet baby boy. While I was kangarooing him, Logan called and said he felt like he needed to be there with me for the results of the test so he asked the doctors at his rotation if he could head over. He was at my side about 15 minutes later. We both sat, holding our son, thinking of all the possibilities; all the malformations he could have. No malformations? He could be just fine. Or he could be handicapped. Who knew? As far as we were concerned, he looked completely perfect. So incredibly sweet and handsome. So meek, pure, and lovely. I feel like those three words are the best way to describe Harrison. Meek, pure, and lovely.

Nov. 26th

Time had come and the doctor came into the room with a nurse right next to her. I was kangarooing Harrison and Logan was sitting in a chair across from me. The doctor started talking about the results of the MRI and keryotyping. The words that came out of her mouth completely shocked me. She told us that Harrison didn't have his corpus calosum (the connection between his left and right brain). As she talked about that, I felt so sad but I knew I could handle all the struggles that came with it. Then, the next words that came out of her mouth really confused me, "Harrison has Trisomy 18, or Edwards Syndrome." The only thing I could do was look over at Logan to see if he knew what that meant. He looked just...... sad. Pale. I didn't know what to make of it all. I don't remember much of what the doctor said after that except for a few sentences. My mind was racing trying to understand it all while I had my sweet boy laying on top of me. "I'm sure you can tell by the look on your husbands face that this isn't good news." the doctor said. I had to ask her exactly what did it mean that my son had Edwards syndrome. What she told Logan and I shook our lives forever. "Harrison has an extra 18th chromosome. 80-90 percent of babies with Trisomy 18 don't live past their 1st birthday." Our world shattered. Panic, sadness, rage, so many emotions flooded my body. I remember saying, "Oh no, no" and kissing his sweet little head laying on my chest. How could I live without this perfect little boy? Silence filled the room while Logan and I sobbed. The doctor and nurse just let us cry and tried to comfort us as much as they could. None of the doctors could tell us exactly how long Harrison would last but if he did make it past his first birthday, we knew he would have severe mental and physical handicaps.

Nov. 17th

My thoughts in the moment surprised me and saddened me. During all the crying and sadness I remember having the most fleeting thought that I didn't want Harrison anymore. It made me feel horrible. To this day it still makes me feel so terrible that I thought that. But after that thought, I remember feeling how everything was going to be so hard. I think it was just my mind thinking that everything would change so much and I wasn't ready for all that was expected of me. After a while of crying and talking with Logan, I had to put Harrison back in his crib. I felt like I needed to just so I could breathe, mentally. I remembered Sophie and how excited she was to have a baby brother. She had so many friends who's moms were having babies and she wanted one too. I couldn't bear the thought of my sweet little girl having to go through a sibling death. Too many emotions were coming over me; sadness, anger, disbelief, numbness, acceptance, and then it would happen all over again. It was so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting.

Nov. 27th

We walked out of the NICU and told Logan's mom the news. The three of us just sat there and cried while Sophie hugged us. We didn't explain it to Sophie and we weren't wanting to for a while but she knew something was making us sad and she was so sweet as she hugged and kissed us. After we called our other parents, brothers and sisters, we got in the car to get lunch. I bet everyone there thought a train had just mowed over us. We looked like zombies (fitting, since we went to Zombie Burger). I didn't care though.

 Thanksgiving Day