The life and journey of : Bittersweet

I hate the word bittersweet. Every time I thought of my Harrison passing away, that is one of the feelings I would feel. Bittersweet. Being members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that we will see our sweet Harrison again if we live righteously enough. We know that before this earth was created, Harrison was one of the most valiant spirits along with many other people on this earth who were born with severe mental and physical handicaps. They were so valiant that they didn't need to be tested as much as we do or even at all. They have been protected from the hardships and evils of this crazy world because of those handicaps. We also believe that when a child dies before the age of accountability, they are immediately sent back to the Lord to live in his presence for eternity. Knowing that, but also knowing that my baby boy had to leave me in order for that to happen makes this whole situation "bittersweet".

Dec. 2nd Posing :)

The days following our discovery of Harrison's condition brought much sorrow, joy, anger, and acceptance. But most of all, we were blessed more than we could ever imagine because of this special boy. When any trial comes to you in life, you turn to they who know you best, who can help you and know everything you are going through, our Father in Heaven and Savior Jesus Christ. Logan and I have come to know them even more since we were blessed with Harrison. Their love is so real and so strong.

One night, Logan and I were driving back from visiting Harrison and we were talking in the car. The drives were about 15 to 20 minutes long from the hospital to our house so we had a lot of time to talk. We loved those long talks, they were yet another blessing Harrison gave to us. We became so much closer because of him. I remember we were talking about Harrison and how hard it would be to let him go. We didn't know when he would go, it might have been years, or maybe just days, but we knew he would die before we did and we were trying to wrap our minds around saying goodbye to one of our children. During that drive, Logan said something to me that will stick with me forever. He said that he knew that bringing Harrison to this earth was our calling. That The Lord had called us to do this. Harrison was supposed to come, he was supposed to be sick and he is supposed to die so he could do a much greater work in heaven. At that moment I felt my Father in Heaven and the Savior so strong, strong enough that it seemed they were both standing in front of me giving me comfort and telling me "You can do this, Melissa. We are here with you every step of the way." It is so hard to describe the love and comfort that filled my soul and in that moment I knew without a doubt that Harrison was needed in heaven. I knew he would leave us. The reality sank in and my heart just dropped, but at the same time, I received so much strength. Logan looked at me and told me "We can do this together. We can do this." I believed him with all my heart.

Dec. 5th Almost a month old

Dec. 6th Snuggling

Visiting Harrison became harder. I feel like while we were at home, apart from him, we would already mourn him but try to stay positive because we had been blessed with a beautiful baby boy who we loved so much. When it came time to go to the hospital, we would be tired at times and wouldn't feel like driving there. But when we entered Harrison's room in the NICU, we would instantly feel the spirit so strong. His room was like a sanctuary. We were able to hold our precious boy and feel the peace and calm he gave to us. I never, ever wanted to leave. If it weren't for our beautiful daughter waiting for us at home, I don't think we would have left. It was so hard to split our time between sweet Sophie at home who was having such a hard time being away from us at times, and our sick baby boy. But somehow, it all worked out. And by "somehow", I mean, through the Lord's grace. Saying goodbye to Harrison every day, twice a day was the hardest part for me. It seemed like we needed to say goodbye as though it would be the last time we would see his sweet face. I hated leaving him in that hospital but I knew it was where he needed to be.