Grief & Trial

Today marks my son's 8th month birthday. 

Today, I might have been changing his diaper with big sister's help. 

Today, I might have been feeding him through his tiny feeding tube and singing him to sleep while he laid on my chest. Or perhaps I would have been taking a walk with him outside in the stroller while Sophie rode her bike beside us. Instead, I am praying about him every day, asking my Father in heaven to tell him I love him, and that I am proud of him. I am feeling his strong spirit next to me as I say my prayers. I am feeling his comfort while we go through life's trials and I am so happy we have an advocate in heaven. 

I have found that grieving for a loved one does get easier. I always questioned those who told me that after Harrison died. 

How could it ever get easier? 

How could this pain go away? 

Quite frankly, I didn't know if I wanted it to at times. I felt like it meant I was growing further and further apart from my son. Well, tonight, as I sit on my floor, staring at pictures of Logan holding Harrison across the room, I feel peace. My broken heart has finally been sewn back together. The scars are still there, but I want them to stay. Those are my sweet memories of the special time with my son and they have taught me so much. When I play back all of the events that started 8 months ago, I see calm...I see still...I see love....and I only see a slight moment of chaos and pain. The pain will always remain, but I learn to live around it and I learn to be happy for the time we had with sweet Harrison. 

After Harrison's funeral on Christmas Eve, we woke up to an exciting Christmas morning filled with presents, family and food. After the commotion was over, I went upstairs to our room because I had to pump. That was one of my darkest moments on this whole journey. I have never felt the adversary stronger. He knew I was weak, and hurting, and he tried to take advantage of my grief and pain. In that moment while I was sitting, pumping, and sobbing, I had a horrible thought pop into my head. I was in so much pain and just wanted it to go away. The thought that came into my mind was, I needed to finish what I was doing, go outside and get in my car. I would drive and drive. I didn't know where I would go, or what I would do, but I knew I wouldn't be alive at the end of that drive. It lasted for maybe a minute and was one of the most terrifying feelings I have ever had. And almost like I was having a dream, I woke up and kind of shook myself out of it. I knew exactly who was trying to get to me and immediatly said a prayer left the room to be with family. I have never forgotten that single moment and it makes me think of all of the millions and millions of people that satan tries to take hold of and sometimes succeeds. My purpose for sharing this experience is to remind myself and others that grief can be very painful. There can be times when you want to lay and do nothing during the day or even die yourself, but the reality of it is, Heavenly Father wants you to come to him in those moments. Those are the times when you need to kneel down, pray for your pain to be taken away and for your heart to be healed. Listen to the spirit and show your faith and He will heal you. He will. He has done it for me. I prayed for days of happiness after many days of crying and pain. I knew He would help me, and he did. 

About 7 months ago the grieving process for my baby boy had already started and I didn't know how I would live to see even the 4th of July without Harrison, but here we are on the 9th of July, still standing with the Lord's help. 

I am so grateful for the strength that I have found within me because of my child in heaven to comfort me, because of my Savior's arm to guide me and because of my Father's hands to heal me. 

I know who I need to be and this grief I feel is just a stepping stone to get me there.

Doctrine And Covenants 54:10 And again, be patient in tribulation until I come; and behold, I come quickly, and my reward is with me, and they who have sought me early shall find rest to their souls. Even so. Amen.

Sophie's 1st time seeing baby brother. Oh, the joy in her eyes.