Milk

Pumping. 

What a chore. 

I didn't love it, I can tell you that. But, that milk was feeding my baby boy so I kept going. When I found out about Harrison's condition, I was approached by the NICU lactation consultant. She told me about donating any milk that I had left over after Harrison had passed. She choked up talking about drying up and how it might be nice to start trying before the funeral so I wouldn't be burdened with pumping during his memorial. I had the hardest time wrapping my mind around this whole concept and planning for the future. This is what would come of this abundance of milk that is crowding mine, and three other friend's freezers. It would not go to my baby, it would go to someone else's babies. 

The thought made me....happy. The lightbulb in my head went on. This was a gift from Harrison. Another reason he was here. Another reason why I made so much dang milk and why I pumped this whole time. I, and he, could help someone else. The lactation consultant explained that this milk would possibly go to babies whose mothers had cancer and could not breastfeed, babies whose mothers couldn't produce milk, and more circumstances I can't recall now. I was excited to help and even thought about continuing to pump for months after Harrison's death. That thought completely changed on the day he died. It would take a very special person to do that. I just could not. 

The day came for me to deliver all of my frozen milk to the NICU to donate. It was the first time I had been back to the NICU since we left for the hospice. I was so nervous to see everything. I wanted to see all the nurses who loved and cared for my son. I wanted to see his room. Unfortunately, none of the nurses that I knew were there, so I hugged and cried to the receptionist. She was so sweet to let me hug her, I just needed a hug from someone! I then followed the same sweet lactation consultant down the hallway and filled up an entire deep freezer with my milk. That moment was actually very emotional for me. I could feel Harrison near as I placed each little bottle that reminded me of my time with him. It was like I was giving someone else a part of me.... a part of him. 

After going through the application process of becoming a milk donor, the interviews, the blood work, the screenings, I received this fantastic email I had been waiting for.

"Dear Melissa,

Your milk donations to the Mother's Milk Bank of Iowa for 2013 totaled 1,178.4 ounces. Thank you so very much for your most remarkable contribution. My deepest appreciation and thanks for your above-and-beyond contributions to the welfare of infants in need.

With thanks,

Director and Cofounder

Mother's Milk Bank of Iowa"

This was the first time I was able to personally and intimately help someone. This letter is so important to me and always reminds me that a lot of good came out of losing Harrison. I see the good every day. There is a line in the new "Meet the Mormons" movie that reminded me of Harrison. It was something like, "He was never mine, he was just on loan from heaven." Although Harrison is a part of my eternal family, and I will see him again and live with him forever, he was just "on loan" for those 41 days. He came to visit, and spread some good, and he had to go back home because he had an important work to do. 

Thank you, Harrison, for all your good.